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“I Know I am Difficult to Coach” and Nine Other Things that Fearful Gymnasts Want to Their Coaches to Know
- I know that I am difficult to coach. My fear makes it hard to coach me, I understand this. It makes my progress slower. It makes you feel like a less effective coach. It makes me feel like a less accomplished athlete.
- I worry that you don’t like me. I know that my fear is annoying to you. To my parents. To my other teammates. And to me. And I worry that it is not just my fear that is annoying you all, but it is me that is annoying you. So, in addition to trying to cope with my fear, I am also worried that you don’t like me and don’t want to coach me.
- Being fearful is different than being stubborn. The outcome might be the same: not going for a new skill or not completing an assignment. But the source is different. If I were simply being stubborn or disobedient, this would be me being in conflict with you. I am afraid, which means I am in conflict with myself. This really is not about you. In fact, as I mentioned, I feel terrible that I am upsetting you.
- I can’t just “stop it.” I wish I could. Believe me. But I really have these feelings, and I cannot just make them go away. I need to be taught skills to cope.
- Yelling or threatening me doesn’t solve my fear issues. It’s possible that yelling at me or punishing me for being afraid might make me go for a skill in the short term, but my fear is still there. The only reason I went for the skill is that I am more afraid of being humiliated. And yelling doesn’t always work. When it doesn’t I am still scared and just feel ashamed on top of it.
- My fear is a very real thing. I am not just seeking attention. I am not just being a drama queen. I am not immature or spoiled either. I am scared. Sometimes for no good reason, I understand. It still doesn’t change the fact: I am scared.
- I do love gymnastics and I do want to improve. That is why I keep coming to practice and I keep trying. I do want this. I do care.
- I would give anything not to be scared. I don’t enjoy this either. I am trying to get better at coping with my fear, but please understand that this is a process. Some days I will do better than other days.
- It hurts when you ignore me. I know that you might think that ignoring me is a way for me to “go for it.” But it just makes me feel like I don’t matter. I don’t want you to have to pay extra attention to me but please don’t act like I am not there.
- Please be there for me. Help me work through my fear. Be patient with me. Break the skill down into smaller parts. Find alternative skills for me to do that might be less scary to me. If I am still struggling, get my parents involved. Maybe I do need to see a sports psychologist. Maybe my problem is larger than gymnastics. Pay attention and be an advocate for me, not an adversary. You are my coach, and I need you.
Note: to read a coach’s perspective on this topic, please check out my blog “It’s The Coaches’ Turn”
JAG GYM Blog 
Reblogged this on World of Insanity and commented:
I wish my coaches would have realized these things.
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Pingback: What Every Fearful Gymnast Needs To Tell Their Coach | Gymnastics News Network.
great article. Thank you for writing this! I would like all coaches to read this
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My daughter said “this is the truest thing I have ever read.”
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Awww…that is the best comment I ever have received about a post. Give her a hug from me and tell her I believe in her!
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Though I train in a very different sport, I found this piece extremely insightful. These are concerns that many different kinds of athletes struggle to communicate to their coaches (and teammates). Thank you for articulating them so nicely!
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Thank you for reading it! I think you are on to something about communicating to coaches in general. It’s a difficult thing for many kids, especially those that are on the more introverted side. Look for that topic in a future post and thanks for inspiring the idea!
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This is true about any fear! The best line in the entire article…
“If I were simply being stubborn or disobedient, this would be me being in conflict with you. I am afraid, which means I am in conflict with myself… ”
Wake up coaches. This is not about you!!
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I disagree with you Megan. In this situation it IS about the coaches… there are many out there who do exactly what Anne’s post is referencing. My daughter has suffered tremendously being on the receiving end of being yelled at, called names and embarrassed publicly in order to push her performance. Is she scared? … Absolutely!!
I thank God (and Anne) for this post, it reassured me that this is a reality and it sounds like it happens more frequently than not. If only every coach could read this!
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AMAZING post. Thank you so much for putting all this into words. Thank you for giving my daughter a voice of sorts. So on target. Great post!!!
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so glad that it helped! tell her to hang in there!
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I LOVE THIS SO MUCH–I cried. Can I kidnap you and bring you to Los Angeles to coach? Just kidding. kinda. 🙂
would it be ok with you if I posted it on the blog? (with attribution to you, of course)
keep on doing the great work you are doing! it’s coaches like you who make our sport the wonderful sport that it is!
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Thank you. I loved what you wrote. I loved reading what I know so many children would love to say. You gave these children a voice and there is nothing better than that. Sure would love for you to use it. Although, I did notice thatI spelled a couple of things wrong. I also forgot to post #10….You are not alone. We can get through this together. You can put it in or not…totally up to you. Thanks again for bringing this issue the much needed attention it deserves.
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I’ll clean up the spelling and add # 10. Thank you so much for sharing!
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This article could not be more true or have come at a better time for my little gymnast. She is going through some ‘anxiety’ on her beam series which she has been doing successfully all summer. We are trying to help her work through this and after reading your article together, it has helped her articulate her feelings a little better as she said “all of these points describe me and how I feel”.
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Give her a hug from me and tell her that I am proud of her for hanging in there. She will get there in time, especially with a mom like you supporting her!
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Reblogged this on Clinton Painting Services (336)215-4128.
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Truer words were never spoken…. I see this in my gymanst all the time. Thankfully, her coach is VERY supportive and gives her the time she needs but pushes when its ok to nudge. Thank you!
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“and Nine Other Things that Fearful Gymnasts Want to Their Coaches to Know” …should be “and Nine Other Things that Fearful Gymnasts Want Their Coaches to Know”. Just a little editing advice.
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This is so true and can truely be applied across many sports…my daughter feels this way when she is working on new baton tricks, and I sure felt this way this past spring when as a 35yo I learned how to swim freestyle correctly. I *still* freak out when I try and swim in a lake, but at least now I can swim in a pool without hyperventilating.
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This is so on point! I no longer do gymnastics, but in my last year, fear just seemed to take over. It was probably the worst feeling ever, I was just beyond frustrated and nothing could make it go away. I went on to cheer, and it stayed with me there as well. I now coach tumbling and cheerleading as much as possible, and I now see both sides of it. I’ve had coaches tell me I was being irrational and I had no excuse, and the girls I’ve worked with have experienced the same. It just breaks my heart seeing girls scared when they are totally capable, and all I can do is say I know how you feel, and we’ll try to work slow. While the fear was terrible while I was going through it, I feel like I have gained a lot from it in my abilities to coach the girls who are also going having a hard time with it. My mom is also a coach, and she learned so much from my experience as well. Although we don’t know what causes it, or how to get rid of it, if more coaches knew just how their athletes felt, I think so many people would benefit! This article is definitely something coaches should see!
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Thanks Tracy! Glad that you are coaching and passing on your wisdom to the kids you are working with. You are 100% correct–patience is the healthiest way to deal with fear.
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This is awesome! I have a gymnast who doesn’t bat an eye at giants on bars, tic toc bhs on beam, or fhs flo on floor, but ask her to do a ro, bhs, tuck… ugh! RO layout is fine (finally again), but for some reason, throwing the bhs in there totally freaked her out. She met me at the door one night, saying she wanted to quit (2nd time in about 2 months) b/c the coaches were all mad b/c she couldn’t make herself go – at all – back tumbling. We talked to the owner/coach & she said they weren’t mad at HER, but frustrated b/c they couldn’t come up with a way to help her conquer her fears. She gave her some ideas, which I’m thrilled to report have worked tremendously! Two days before her first meet, she started flipping RO tuck again, after not flipping ANYTHING for 2 weeks. She’s back to flipping RO layout & starting to work fulls!
I will definitely have to have her read this! Thanks!
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Good for her and her coaches for finding solutions to her fear! The backwards tumbling issue is not uncommon (as I am sure you know) and that she is going backwards at all is terrific news. Thanks for your kind words and good luck to your kiddo!
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I will mention that I read an article about the vestibular system not keeping up with the growth so things feel weird. The article also mentioned a correlation between the eyesight & how the brain processes it. After reading that, I realized it seemed like her back tumbling issues started after she got contacts. Even though she’s been State beam champion for 4 consecutive years, her first comment to me WITH contacts was, “Mom! There’s only 1 beam!” I wonder if she just couldn’t see well enough to be scared & when she could, it was overwhelming.
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Wow! Love this. such a good point to always rule out medical issues. poor little bunny seeing multiple beams!
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It’s been a while, but I wanted to update you on the happenings around here. My daughter did Xcel Platinum, where she was extremely successful & qualified to Xcel Regionals. On Tuesday before Regionals, she decided it was fine to do round off, back handspring, layout & competed it at the meet. She decided during warmups to do front handspring, front layout for the first time in a while. She took 1st on bars (9.725), beam (9.375), 2nd on vault (9.550), 4th on floor (9.325) & 1st AA (37.975) She was so proud of herself for throwing the skills she wasn’t comfortable with!
Her goal now, knowing she really can do the tumbling, is to try to go Level 8. That’s what she wants, she knows what’s required, & she’s working her little tail off. (She also started flipping Tsuks during practice a couple of weeks ago.) I think she’s decided the back tumbling may not be as bad as she thought for so long! =D
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This is the best news!!!!! I am so happy for her and proud to know that she decided on her own terms to make her gymnastics hers and to cope with her fears. Kuddos to you and her coaches for supporting her through this season! Please keep me updated and give your daughter a huge hug from me!
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This is my daughter! Not only was there fear, there was vestibular issues as well so anything backward was scary She finally quit gymnastics when the sport quit being fun because of the way coaches treated her and her fears.
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This is a really nice article. But, I would extend it beyond the issue of the fearful gymnast. I respectfully disagree with Michelle Ernst regarding some of her replies. First, there is NEVER a good reason to use yelling, belittling, sarcasm, negative reinforcement, bringing a little girl to tears, intimidation tactics or physical punishment because a child is having difficulty with skills. This happens all to often to very young girls. It is quite disturbing to me. Especially because the USAG supposedly espouses on positive coaching techniques. I know this because I have emailed the vice president about this issue and was told that by her. Using intimidation tactics is a dangerous way to work with young kids, especially young girls. It teaches subservience, a trait no young girl should ever embrace just to please a coach. There is plenty fo research to support the notion that negative methods are damaging psychologically. They only lead to a divide between the child and the person doling it out. So, don’t try to support, rationalize or make excuses for that kind of behavior from adults who call themselves coaches. Any adult who treats a child like that is not a coach. They are bullies.
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Reblogged this on smallwondersgym.
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I just wanted to give you a quick update on my daughter. She decided to stick with Level 7 this year, but she is doing the ro,bhs,lo with absolutely no issues! She’s still doing the fhs,Flo as well & working on throwing that ft in so she’ll be ready for L8 & working both front & back fulls. She completely backed off from flipping tusks after she was told her half ons weren’t good enough to flip out of. Grrr…. Beam is still amazing & she just added the ro dismount. Unfortunately, her dad died the weekend before her first scheduled meet & didn’t get to see her compete her new routines. She’s been amazingly strong throughout the whole ordeal & we had the hard conversation of her dealing with the knowledge of dad not being at her meet for the first time ever ahead of time. It’s been harder on me than her, I think. It hasn’t affected her scores – her lowest AA so far was 36.725 (with a fall on bars).
She also made the Indiana State Team for National Judges Cup Team Challenge & is very excited about that!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that her back tumbling issues are a thing of the past. I was a little afraid she’d quit first but she persevered!
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I am so so sorry to hear about the passing of her dad…my goodness, that puts all the gymnastics stuff in perspective, doesn’t it? Sounds like you have one resilient child on your hands and I am thrilled to hear that the backwards tumbling issue is gone and that she is having such success. please keep us updated and have a happy New Year! xoxo
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This is so true! I wish my coaches would read this. I’ve been a fearful gymnast ever since i started the sport, and i can say that it’s probably the worst part of being a gymnast! My coaches never seem to understand my fears, and sometimes neither do i. I know that I am capable of doing it, but when i go for the skill, i stop and won’t be able to go. My coaches keep telling me that I’m ready to do it, but I still get scared, and they get so frustrated with me. It really doesn’t help when they start to shout. Also, they favour a certain girl on my team, who doesn’t get scared of anything, and just tries everything with ease.
I’ve never been that good at vault, mainly because I get scared. At my next meet, I need to compete my handspring vault for the 1st time, and the vault has to be set quite high. When my coach is standing there, I know that if I don’t manage to make it over, he’ll help me. Most of the time, he doesn’t help me, and I do it by myself. But, I still worry about vault a lot, because it still scares me. Sometimes he tests me, and moves away from the vault to make me go by myself, and all of a sudden I won’t be able to go. I don’t even know why, I’m just scared that something will happen. Lately, it’s been getting a bit better, but the fear’s still there. I just wish they’d read this, so they’d understand more.
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Thank you for this post. It is also very true of gymnasts with dyspraxia. My son has trained for 13yrs and is now open senior. He needs a confident coach who can breakdown skills into smaller parts as he then has to translate the timing as dyspraxics have a delay between thinking the action and the body responding. He had one coach that shouting and embarrassed him when he was trying to take three time to rethink his move. Another coach allowed the other boys to bully him and call him a whimp and mock his efforts. Needless to say we have changed club. It takes him longer to get the skill but when he does he has good technique because he has had to think how each move works to get the timing of his thoughts right. Gymnastics is a perfect sport for dyspraxics but it is something coaches need to learn and understand
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