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It’s The Coaches Turn: “I Know That You Think You are Difficult to Coach” and Nine Other Things Coaches Want to Say to Their Fearful Gymnasts
Earlier this week I posted a blog written from the perspective of fearful gymnasts to their coaches, “I Know That I am Difficult to Coach” and Nine Other Things Fearful Gymnasts Want to Tell Their Coaches.”
The response was overwhelming. Former gymnasts wrote telling me how fear drove them from the sport they loved. Coaches commented that it gave them insight to how their fearful athletes think. And, parents mentioned to me how relieved their child felt reading it. One little girl’s comment that really touched me was “this is the truest thing I ever read.”
Then I came across a heartfelt response from the coach’s perspective that I found both honest and charming. After reading her essay, I was tempted to hop in a car, drive to her state and kidnap her to come coach at JAG. But since there are laws against such behaviors (I am kidding people…well, sort of, because after you read what she wrote I am betting many of you will want to hire her too) I restrained myself. Instead, reaching out to her to ask if she would allow me to share her words on this blog.
Gratefully, she agreed. So, I share with you all what Coach Michelle Ernst wrote on her Facebook wall.
It’s really beautiful:
“I saw the article about “I know I am difficult to coach”. After reading it, I felt the need to respond.
- I know that you think you are difficult to coach. It is true. You are difficult to coach, but it is because of you that I love to coach. Just like you, I feel less accomplished when I am not effective.
- I worry that you don’t like me. I know that my pushing you is annoying to you. To your parents. To your other teammates. And even sometimes to me. And I worry that it is not just my pushing you that annoys you, but it is me that annoys you. So, in addition to trying to help you cope with your fear, I am worried that you don’t want me to coach you.
- Being fearful is different than being stubborn. You are right that the outcome is the same, but the source is different. If I didn’t care, then I would not take the time to know the difference. I know the issue is much deeper than the skill and it is something personal within. When I am upset, it is really not about you. In fact, I feel terrible that you are upset with yourself.
- I can’t just “stop it”. I wish I could. Believe me. But I really am teaching you many different types of coping skills even when you do not recognize them in the moment. So, it’s not that I am ignoring you, there are times you do need time by yourself to work things out.
- Yelling or threatening doesn’t SOLVE your fear issues, but does make you stop and think. That goes back to the issue of stubborn or real fear. My daughter, who had true fears, once told me that if you are truly fearful, no yelling, threat, or bribe (which she feels is the worse), will make you go. She said that if you do go because of one of these, then you are just stubborn and make it harder for those who are truly fearful. I have always treasured what she told me because she knew of what she spoke and spoke from the heart. Sometimes you do need that stern voice or time-out to help tighten up your mind.
- Your fear is a real thing. When you say that you are sometimes scared for no good reason, the reason does not have to be good–it just is. As long as you feel it, it is real.
- I do love gymnastics and I do want you to improve. You are the reason that I keep coming to practice and I keep trying. I do want this for you. I do care.
- I would give anything for you not to be scared. I am trying everyday to help you get better at coping with your fears, but please understand that this is a process. Everyday will be better.
- Please be there for me. Help me to help you to work through your fears. Be patient. Take the time to do the small steps. Be accepting to do alternative skills that may be different from your teammates. If you are still struggling, communicate with me. Do not just stare at me and cry. Maybe your problem is bigger than gymnastics. Be open-minded about it. Pay attention and realize that I am here for you, not against you. You are my athlete, and I need you!!!
- You are not alone. We can get through this together.”
Thank you to Michelle and for all of the coaches who share similar sentiments in working with athletes.
You are influencing eternity by your teaching, and the world needs you!
As the American author Arnold H. Glasow wrote, “The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.”
JAG GYM Blog 
thank you for sharing. We are truly blessed to have two amazing coaches helping our daughter through a difficult time in this sport right now. They are amazing and we are lucky to have them. We have always known they meant well, but this just opens it to a whole new light.
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This article is much more intresting than the other one for me. Every coach does know how their gymnasts feel, but not every gymnast know the same about her coach. I think that is truly important !
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Love that both sides were posted. Here’s a parent’s perspective:
1. I know that you are difficult to coach. And sometimes difficult to parent. It is true. But I know you are a good kid. And I want to help you get through your fears rather than run from them. Just like both of you, I feel less accomplished (as a parent) when it seems nothing is effective.
2. I worry that you and your coach don’t like each other. Your pushing is sometimes annoying, but I do it too as a parent. I worry that I have you in the right sport, at the right gym. In addition to worrying if I raised you to cope well, I worry you both don’t like each other.
3. Being fearful is different than being stubborn. I know that you are capable of the skill. I’ve yelled at you too, for not doing chores, fighting with your sibling. I want you to figure out if she has a fear or is being stubborn. I feel terrible that you are both frustrated and upset.
4. I can’t just “stop it”. I wish you both could. But I know that it might take trialing different teaching mechanisms to get thru this.
5. Yelling or threatening you doesn’t solve your fear issues. I doesn’t always solve you not listening at home either, or get you to do your chores the next time. But I do it too as a parent because sometimes it can be the only way I feel you will listen. I understand you are trying it because it does get her attention. I also know it sometimes doesn’t work, or too much too often can make you humiliated and defeated instead.
6. Your fear is a real thing. This is true and everyone recognizes that. Sometimes there is a reason (such as prior injury) and sometimes it just is. If there is a reason, let’s work on it.
7. I want you to love gymnastics and I want you to improve. I’ve seen you both make great strides together in the past. I know you both keep trying and you both care. I know if you keep trying, you can overcome this.
8. I would give anything for you not to be scared. I’m your biggest cheerleader and fan. I always wish I could take your place when things are difficult. But I know you need to learn how to cope with challenges in life. It is a process. Things will get better and you will be stronger for learning how to deal with fears.
9. It hurts when you ignore each other. It hurts when it seems you are not listening to your coach. It makes me nervous you will have to give her more attention, but it hurts when it seems you are ignoring her instead of giving her corrections. It hurts when you don’t listen to my advice or feel you can talk to me.
10. Please be there for each other. Help each other work thru the fear. Be patient and I will be too. Take time to do small steps and listen to corrections/ suggestions. Communicate with me as well so I can support both of you. Maybe the problem is bigger than gymnastics. I am an advocate for you. You need each other.
11. You are not alone. We can all get thru this together.
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This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing it. Would it be okay if I reposted it on the blog itself? (I don’t know how many people follow the comments and I’d love to share it with everyone)
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Pingback: What Was Popular This Year: My Top 10 Blog Posts of 2014 (Plus 5 That I Really Liked but Didn’t Make the Cut) | JAG GYM Blog
Reblogged this on smallwondersgym.
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Thank you so much for this.
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Pingback: CAN’T and 9 Other Words to Eliminate From Gymnasts’ Vocabulary | JAG GYM Blog
I wanted to leave a parent’s and social worker’s perspective on this issue.
1. I know that you think you are difficult to coach. : Everyone can struggle. It is my job as a parent and the coach’s job to figure out how best to teach you. Not everyone learns the same way or as easily as others. This does not mean you are bad or less than. It just means you are different. Different is wonderful.
2. I worry that you don’t like me. : I have lost nights of sleep and shed many tears and spent many hours praying about this. Please God help my daughter know she is loved. Please give her coach the strength to see her value. It’s not about like or not like. Please God help us all find a way through. I know we all will be better people for having found a way. We love you. Coach, I just want to work with you. Please make me part of a team. Please include me. This is my daughter, my world, my love. Please do not get upset when I suggest that my child thinks you don’t like her. I’m not telling you that you don’t like her, I’m telling you that’s how she feels. I am asking you to tell her it’s not true so that she can move past this thought.
3. I can’t just “stop it”. : I can’t stop being your parent. I can’t stop hurting when I see my child struggle. I would do anything to make it easier for you both coach and child. I am here to help in any way I can. If you don’t want to be here, please tell me. I won’t make you come. If you want to be here I will stand with you and help you find a way.
4. Yelling or threatening doesn’t SOLVE your fear issues. : Yelling only creates more anxiety. Even in the stubborn child yelling only creates fear of reprisal. It doesn’t create trust. We do it as parents and coaches because it seems to work sometimes. Long term we do better with positive reinforcement. All of us yell sometimes when we are frustrated. This is about us, not the child. If we want strong, confident, successful children we must praise what they are doing well and correct what they are not. Yelling just creates fear. When is the last time you really absorbed what someone was trying to say when they were yelling? We all hear better at a lower volume.
5. Your fear is a real thing. : I as a parent wish that I could take it away. I know it’s real. You feel it that’s all that has to make it real. It doesn’t matter why. I want to help you work through it. I want to be a part of your team. I am hear to hold you. Coach don’t forget to tell me what’s going on. Please don’t let this go on for months without saying anything and then pull me in and tell me and expect me to understand. It’s new to me even if it’s not new to you. We need an ongoing conversation. Please be open to outside involvement. Maybe a counselor or another coach can help in ways you can’t. Just like I have to accept that as a parent I can’t solve it all, I have to accept your help and others. It takes a village.
6. I would give anything for you not to be scared. I am trying everyday to help you get better at coping with your fears, but please understand that this is a process. Everyday will be better. (This is true for the parent too.)
7. Please be there for me. : Allow my child to cry. Sometimes they just need to get the emotion out. They need to be able to express their frustration to get past it. It’s important. It’s not about you the coach when they cry. It’s about them. Give them the space and permission to feel it. Crying is normal and it’s ok. I am here for both of you. I want both of you to be successful. It’s also ok for you to cry, coach.
8. You are not alone. We can get through this together.” – yes, this. Remember I as a parent am part of the team.
I am a parent and I care. I see you the coach. I see you my child. I believe in both of you.
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Beautiful!
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