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How an Emotionally Charged Child is Like a Car Wreck

Posted by on April 3, 2014 in coaching, parenting, psychology, why gymnastics | 2 Comments

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My attention was immediately grabbed when I came across an article with the title: Is it good to let kids screw up?

“Yes! Of course!” I screamed (in my head, thankfully, as I was sitting in Starbucks and out loud screaming would have been really awkward).

And I loved the advice (and not just because it agreed with me, though always an attractive quality). At the heart of the article was this piece of excellent advice: it’s good to let you kids make mistakes if you coach them on how they might do it differently next time. If possible that coaching can be done ahead of time, but if the mistake has been made, then figuring out what to do should the same issue arise again is important.

Teaching decision-making skills and accountability as well as having difficult conversations are very important tasks of parenting. Yet, whenever I read parenting advice (including my own), I have to smile a little because, let’s face it, the conversations never go how they are written in books are articles.

Well at least not in my house, anyway.

Scenario: Child comes home with an F on her math test.

As written in the parenting book:

Child: I got an F on my math test! My life is over. I’ll never get into college and Mr. Teacher hates me so he gave me an F!

Parent: I can see you are upset, Child. (labels feelings)

Child: I am! It’s so unfair.

Parent: I hear that you say it’s unfair. I am wondering if disappointing is a better word. (reinforces listening by repeating what child said; offers a way to reframe the feeling)

Child: Yeah, it’s disappointing too. Oh parent, what shall I do?

Parent: Well, Child, what do you think you should do? (allows Child a chance to solve her own problem)

Child: I probably need to see if I can do some extra credit to raise my grade.

Parent: That’s an interesting idea. I wonder what else you might do? (validates and continues to push for child to come up with other solutions)

Child: Maybe I should go to Mr. Teacher at lunch for some extra support.

Parent: Hmm, that sounds interesting too. (Long dramatic pause) I wonder if there is anything else…(and still more validation and another chance for Child to get to the root cause of the issue)

Child: I guess I should keep up with my homework. And not study while I am on Facebook chat, texting, watching TV and listening to music all at the same time.

Parent: Wow, Child, those all sound like great solutions. I am proud of you. Maybe this weekend we can talk about which colleges you want to visit over spring break? (root solution has been reached; parent give positive feedback and redirects Child to the bigger picture of her education).

Child: That would be great. Thanks, Parent. I love you so much. Thank you for listening.

(Child and Parent hug.)

And, without changing a single word in the parent script, this is how that conversation goes in real life:

Child: I got an F on my math test! My life is over. I’ll never get into college and Mr. Teacher hates me so he gave me an F!

Parent: I can see you are upset, Child.

Child: Wow, are you a detective now? Of course I am upset! Didn’t you hear me? I will never get into college. It’s so unfair.

Parent: I hear that you say it’s unfair. I am wondering if disappointing is a better word.

Child: Gee thanks Parent. Now I am a disappointment too? Ugh, you never support me in anything. OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

Parent: Well, Child, what do you think you should do?

Child: Seriously? Are you a parrot or something? Is this what that dumb parenting book you are reading tells you to do? Just repeat me? I. GOT. AN. F. I am so going to have to take summer school…

Parent: That’s an interesting idea. I wonder what else you might do?

Child: Summer school? Interesting? Are you insane? My life is ruined. I am going to have to go to one of those trade colleges to become a welder or something.

Parent: Hmm, that sounds interesting too. (Long dramatic pause) I wonder if there is anything else…

Child: Oh my god! You think I should be a welder? Are you kidding? I guess I should just drop out now and get a job flipping burgers.

Parent: Wow, Child, those all sound like great solutions. I am proud of you. Maybe this weekend we can talk about which colleges you want to visit over spring break?

Child: Ugh! You don’t love me. You never listen! Didn’t you hear me? I am never getting into college and it’s your entire fault!

(Chlld storms out of the room and slams as many doors as is possible on the way. )

So what is a parent to do?

Here is one of my best and most awesome parenting tips: Never, ever have the how-might-we-fix-it or how-might-we-make-a-better-decision conversation when emotions are high.

Really. Never. Ever.

And it’s for this simple reason: it’s pointless.

When a person’s emotions (particularly a toddler’s, child’s or teen’s) are running high, their reasoning is not just running low, it’s pretty much non-existent. At these emotional moments, the part of their brain that is operating is the most basic part, sometimes referred to as the “lizard brain.”

Fight, flight or freeze—that’s all the lizard brain is capable of in terms of “logical” thinking. Higher-level problem solving skills like considering another’s point of view, an alternate plan or that their problem may not be all that life ending are just not possible.

An emotionally freaked out child is like the scene of a car crash. At the scene of a car accident the goal is triage. Medical personal make sure the injured are breathing; they don’t lecture about the dangers of speeding. They stop the bleeding; they don’t concern themselves with plastic surgery. That comes later.

Until the emotion wears down, all you can do is try to make you children feel safe and encourage them to think about their problem when they are feeling calmer (or after a shower, snack, night’s sleep, long walk etc.).

So then when do we have the awesome-parent-child-interaction promised in parenting articles and books?

Ideally, when there is nothing on the table. You have the conversation when there is no problem.

You coach how to deal with a disappointing grade when there is no disappointing grade to discuss. You talk about how to bow out of a party where there is drinking or drugs when there is no party on the horizon. You role play “using your words” before the play date tries to take the dump truck out of your four-year-old’s hands.

But when things do crop up in the moment, take a page out of the football playbook and punt.

Get out of danger, give everyone some space and then have the conversation later, making the child feel emotionally safe and following the kind of advice in the article: Tell me about what happened. What do you think you can do differently next time? Can you brainstorm with me some ideas of what to do?

It is absolutely not only a good idea but an imperative part of parenting to let kids screw up. And just as you should not jump in to fix it each time they are about to do so, do not jump in and try to help them reason through it too soon either.

Unless you happen to love the sound of slammed doors, that is.